I always thought my father was cooler than other kids’ dads.
He used to like snowboarding or river rafting with the guys and me. When it came to outdoor fun, dad was hardcore. And he used to be easy to talk to. A lot of my friends asked him for advice when they had problems.
Suddenly, Dad started coming home late from work. At first, it was just an hour later than usual. Eventually, he began missing dinner with Mom and me. When my mother asked him what was going on, Dad would tell her to stop prying. This was weird—he’d never treated Mom this way before.
People in church noticed that something wasn’t right between my parents. Mom often looked as if she’d been crying, and Dad was angry a lot. One day, right in front of everybody at church, Dad completely exploded at Mom! Our pastor actually came over and got in the middle of it. The whole youth group saw it, too. Some kids even began to crack jokes about the way Dad was behaving.
I felt like punching my own father. How could he treat Mom like that, especially in front of all my friends?!!
Then our youth leader, Steve, pulled me aside. “Hey, Ryan, you’re looking kind of postal, man. And I can understand why. Want to talk?”
Normally, I wouldn’t mind talking with Steve. He was always cool. Up until then I had always thought that church was a decent place to be.
Up until then Dad hadn’t been a total embarrassment to me.
Lifequake
Our pastor asked Mom and Dad to go to marriage counseling together, but Dad refused. Soon he stopped coming to church altogether. Eventually, he moved out of our house. The day he left, Dad said that he loved Mom but that they just didn’t see things the same anymore.
People at church started whispering that Dad might be seeing someone else. I didn’t even want to go to church anymore, but I didn’t want Mom to go alone. I went to youth group and managed to avoid talking to anyone.
Steve let me know that he was there to listen. “I know this is really rough on you and your family,” he said. “I know how much you care about your father.”
For some reason that really set me off. “You think he’s cheating on Mom don’t you! You’ve already decided he’s guilty,” I answered hotly.
“Ryan, sometimes people make bad choices—even parents,” Steve said. “As much as it hurts, we have to face that. I understand if you don’t want to share this stuff with your friends, but I wish you’d talk this out.”
It wasn’t Steve’s fault—Dad was the one who left Mom behind. But I refused his offer. How could I say anything about it? I was so angry that I had no words to describe how I felt.
I knew that I couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine. I had to confront Dad about the things people were saying at church. I needed to hear, once and for all, why Dad had left Mom.
Her
When I got home, I dialed Dad’s cell number. A woman answered. I thought that I must have punched in the wrong digits, so I hung up and redialed slowly.
Again the same woman answered. “Yes?”
What should I do now? I thought. “Uh, why are you answering my father’s phone?” I said.
The mystery woman began to sound nervous. “Look—I’m not sure what he’s told you—but he and I are . . . well, I don’t want to get in the middle of anything. . . .”
A huge knot formed in my stomach. “Get in the middle?!” I said. “Wrecking someone’s marriage kind of falls in the category of ‘getting in the middle’—don’t you think?!”
Dad got on the phone. “Son, I am so sorry you had to find out about Donna this way.”
“Donna?!” I said. “Dad, let’s not even give her a name in this conversation, because I have a few stronger names in mind for her.”
“Ryan! You should not speak about her that way,” Dad said. “She’s done nothing to you.”
Right about then I lost it completely. “Dad!” I shouted. “What cloud did you fall off? You have a wife. Maybe you and Mom have some problems, but she loves you. You don’t even deserve her!”
I knew I was over the top, but I couldn’t seem to stop. “Haven’t you always taught me that we can’t just pick and choose which of God’s laws we want to obey and which ones we don’t? That includes marriage, doesn’t it?”
My father did not appreciate the lecture. “Ryan, you are totally out of line now,” he said. “I will talk to you about this again when you’ve had time to calm down.”
That was that. I was just supposed to accept it.
Healing
My father's not a role model, I thought bitterly. He’s a fake.
A million questions flew through my brain. How can I ever trust my father again? How can I "honor my father" when he is not honoring our family? What will my friends think?
After tormenting myself for a full week, I finally talked to Steve. Two pizzas and a dozen buffalo wings later, I began to realize some things.
First, no matter how angry it made me, I could not change what my dad had done or make him feel guilty for it. I could hope, pray and even try to convince him to change. But in the end, it would be a choice that could only be made by my father.
I also realized that just because Dad was sinning big-time, that didn’t make it OK with God that I disrespected my father. All that would get me was a share of the title ”Commandment-breaker.“ No thanks.
I learned something about my friends, too. It turned out that my closest friends were feeling almost as shocked and sad as I was. Dad had been a role model to them, too. In the end, they didn’t treat me any differently. They knew it wasn’t my fault that the whole thing happened. And really, those guys were the people whose opinions mattered to me—not the other clowns who laughed before.
Dad and I have talked since all of this happened. He and Mom never did get back together. I’d like to change that, but I can’t. So I don’t waste my time trying.
Things are still not where I’d like them to be between Dad and me either. Deep down, I know that my father has a lot of great qualities, and he’s done a lot for me over the years. I miss the way things used to be when we were close. But I pray a lot now, thanks to Steve and my real friends. Prayer helps me keep it together. I know I need God to help me let go of my anger, because I still wrestle with it sometimes.
That’s all I can really do. But I know God can do more. And one day, He will. 
