HEY MIKE! Thanks for all the great advice you give teen guys each month, especially in the areas of lust and purity. I’ve taken what you’ve said to heart, and I’m on the road to living lust-free. Yet the more I strive to overcome my past, the more I seem to struggle. I’ve made a lot of mistakes sexually, and I can’t unload the shame and guilt. In the past, I threw away my purity, I battled with porn, and I was out of control with masturbation. How can I convince my brain that Jesus hasn’t given up on me?
—Name Withheld
As Jesus lived among us, He purposely engaged with those who were sexually immoral. His purity gave light to their darkness. He destroyed the grip of shame as He revealed the Father’s love.
Yet, if you’re honest with yourself, it’s hard to grasp — 2,000 years later — that He won’t give up on you. It’s even harder to believe that in Jesus, you’ll find acceptance, love and freedom despite your shortcomings.
Here’s what I want you to understand:
The Enemy wants you to feel defeated. I’m hopeless — too far gone — and simply cannot change. I am what I am and will always be this way. Whenever you catch yourself thinking these thoughts, know you’ve bought a lie whispered into the hearts of young men by the Evil One. You also may be trapped in a toxic shame cycle. In other words, you desperately want to change, yet you feel so flawed as an individual, you’ve concluded that you’re too far gone. So you buy Satan’s lie that you’re beyond God’s help — continuing the defeating cycle.
The truth is, there’s a big difference between toxic shame and guilt. Guilt has to do with our behavior, what we do; shame has to do with our identity, who we are. Author Patrick A. Means explains it this way in his book Men’s Secret Wars: “When we do something wrong, our God-given conscience rings an alarm. That pang we feel is guilt. Guilt is not destructive to our person because we can do something about it. We can acknowledge our wrongdoing, change our behavior, experience forgiveness, and we no longer have to feel guilty. . . . [Shame] pools and swirls outside the fringes of our lives like a poisonous nerve gas, waiting for us to open the door a crack and let it seep in to paralyze and destroy. Shame, in this sense, is a demotivator for ongoing growth. It usually results in self-condemnation, discouragement and the urge to give up.”
Toxic shame eats away at our soul: There isn’t an ounce of good left in me. I’m so twisted and so bad, I simply cannot change. I’m hopeless, worthless and rejected. God will never accept me.
So what ‘s the answer?
Take the first step toward destroying toxic shame: Give God a chance. Go to Jesus Christ in prayer and unload your secrets, your sins and your shame. Tell Him every detail — just as if He didn’t know a thing. Spend time today reflecting on your struggle with shame. During your conversation with Christ, be absolutely honest and sincere. Hold nothing back. Our minds are sometimes shocked when we permit our hearts to spill over, but it is good for our souls when we do.
The second step is to believe Jesus Christ loves you and accepts you, despite your sin. Author Max Lucado has a simple strategy for trusting God. In his book He Still Moves Stones, Max writes: “Take Jesus at His word. Learn that when He says something, it happens. When He says we’re forgiven, let’s unload the guilt [and shame]. When He says we’re valuable, let’s believe Him. When He says we’re provided for, let’s stop worrying.”
HEY MIKE! Lately, a few of my close Christian friends have begun drinking and making poor decisions. I’ve confronted them, but they usually act as if nothing’s wrong. They fail to realize that we are not our own — but God’s. I pray for them all the time, yet nothing seems to change. How else can I steer them away from alcohol?
—S.S., Ellicott City, Md.
It’s awesome that you care enough about your friends to take action. Don’t stop praying for them. Even though you haven’t noticed any changes in their behavior, God understands the situation, and He’s in control.
Don’t give up. When the moment is right, tell them again in a non-threatening way . . .
1. Drunkenness is completely forbidden (see Ephesians 5:18).
2. Whether eating or drinking, we need to recognize that our behavior impacts others. We are warned not to do anything that might lead a weaker brother to stumble (see Romans 14:14-21).
In other words, if I drink, I’m communicating to others it’s OK to consume alcohol. So the question is larger than “How will this affect me?” I have to ask, “How will this affect my friends?”
3. First Corinthians 6:12 says, “ ‘Everything is permissible for me’ — but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’ — but I will not be mastered by anything.”
In other words, it’s not a question of “Can I drink?” It’s an issue of “Should I?” Those who are wise don’t see how close they can get to the edge without sinning. Rather, they tell themselves, If I never take the very first drink, then I don’t have to worry about ever getting drunk or hurting myself and others.
Having said all that, remind them of what the Bible says regarding three other matters:
• Lying to parents: Don’t do it. Is drinking something you hide from your parents?
• Disobeying parents: Don’t do it. Do you have your parents’ permission to try alcohol?
• Disobeying the civil laws: Don’t do it. If you are under the legal drinking age, you and your friends broke the law. The Bible says that is off limits (see Romans 13:1-7).
