HEY MIKE! A friend of mine died accidentally. He was only 14—much too young. There are lots of things I need to know. How do I answer the hard questions that come with his death: “Why did he have to die?” “Why so young?” “Why him of all people?” How should I cope with the situation—forget about it completely or keep it in the back of my mind? How can I practically apply his death to my life without dwelling on such a negative experience? How long is grief allowed?
—Jacob, Big Rapids, Mich.
You’re right: Fourteen is much too young to die. I’m so sorry for your loss.
The questions you’re asking are good ones and deserve some serious thought.
Why did he have to die? I asked this same thing a few years back when my father-in-law died from a brain tumor. I’m still asking it today.
Even though the guy in my life was many years older than your friend, losing him was one of the most painful things I’ve had to endure. At first, I was in disbelief, and I even bargained with God: Don’t let it be true. If he could just live a little longer, I won’t take for granted the moments I spend with him.
Before long, the reality of his death set in—along with deep sadness. But I eventually moved on to acceptance, and I even got to a point of having hope again.
This grief process I’m describing is what therapists describe as the six stages of trauma: denial (“It didn’t really happen”), anger (“It’s not fair”), bargaining (“God, if you take away this pain, I promise I’ll be a better person”), depression (“I don’t want to talk to anyone—just leave me alone”), acceptance (“It happened and that’s that”) and hope (“It’s really going to be OK”).
I’m doing a few things to get myself through this difficult time. Maybe these ideas will help you, too.
I’m talking things out. Getting my emotions in the open really helps me move through the pain. This is a good time for you to connect with your family, as well. Consider sharing some of those awesome memories you have of your friend.
I’m not afraid to get help. I can’t overstress this point: It’s important to move through the six stages I listed above. But sometimes we need some professional help along the way. Consider talking to your parents or pastor. They may even recommend you to a Christian counselor.
I’m forgiving myself for not having it all together. People in grief sometimes say things they don’t really mean. I’ve certainly been guilty of this. But if I snap at someone, I do my best to come back with an apology. (Those around me understand and are quick to forgive, as well.)
I’m spending time in prayer. I often pour out my heart to God. Lately, I’ve been thanking Him for my friends and family. Ask Him to help you move ahead with a life that honors both your friend and your Creator. 
